dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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