Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize