stop calling my apartment porn island.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
