I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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