Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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