i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
