sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
