I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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