my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
