Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
