"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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