He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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