I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
