sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
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