You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
