Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I pour the whiskey from now on
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
