I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
