drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
