you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
