The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
