I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
