I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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