two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
