no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Your cock deserves a montage
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
