Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
My penis needs a shock collar
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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