Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
