So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
