Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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