I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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