In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
