Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
