the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
my phone needs a breathalizer
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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