I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
