o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
