hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
