I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
