my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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