wrigley field is MILF paradise
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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