I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
