The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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