that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
