I want to make a zoo with you.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
