FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
