If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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