just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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