Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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