Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
