I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
