In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
