put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
