Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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