When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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