bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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