Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize