hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
