So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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