Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
