Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
