just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
