Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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