Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
