maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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