she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
