yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
So squirting runs in the family.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
there is puke in my bra ... again
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
