U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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