What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
